Understanding why saying ‘no’ can feel uncomfortable, even when you’re protecting your own wellbeing.
For many people, setting boundaries is a natural part of maintaining healthy relationships. But for someone who has experienced emotional or narcissistic abuse, something as simple as saying ‘no’ can bring feelings of guilt, anxiety or even fear.
You might know that a boundary is necessary, yet still find yourself questioning whether you’re being unreasonable, selfish or unfair.
So why does protecting your own wellbeing sometimes feel so uncomfortable?
When Your Needs Have Always Come Second
In emotionally abusive relationships, you may gradually learn that keeping someone else happy is more important than expressing your own needs.
Perhaps saying ‘no’ led to arguments, criticism or emotional withdrawal.
Maybe expressing your feelings resulted in accusations that you were being difficult, ungrateful or too sensitive.
Over time, you may have started avoiding conflict by agreeing to things you didn’t want to do, apologising unnecessarily or putting your own feelings aside.
What began as an attempt to keep the peace can eventually become a deeply ingrained pattern.
You learn that saying ‘yes’ feels safer, even when it comes at your own expense.
Why Boundaries Can Trigger Guilt
After experiencing emotional abuse, setting a boundary can feel unfamiliar because you’re doing something you may have been discouraged from doing for a long time.
You might find yourself thinking:
- Am I being selfish?
- What if they get upset with me?
- Should I just agree to avoid an argument?
- What if setting this boundary makes them leave?
These thoughts don’t necessarily mean your boundary is unreasonable.
They may reflect previous experiences where expressing your needs resulted in negative consequences.
And when you’ve spent a long time feeling responsible for someone else’s emotions, learning that you’re allowed to prioritise your own wellbeing can take practice.
Boundaries Aren’t About Controlling Someone Else
One common misconception is that setting boundaries means telling other people what they can and cannot do.
But healthy boundaries are about recognising what you’re comfortable with and deciding how you will respond when those limits aren’t respected.
For example:
Instead of saying, “You need to stop shouting at me,” you might say:
“I’m happy to discuss this, but I won’t continue the conversation while I’m being shouted at.”
Or instead of feeling obliged to explain every decision, you might simply say:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
You don’t always need a lengthy explanation or justification for your choices.
In relationships where coercive control or abuse is present, however, asserting boundaries can sometimes increase risk. Your safety comes first, and specialist support can help you consider what is appropriate for your circumstances.
Learning to Put Yourself Back Into the Picture
Rebuilding healthy boundaries doesn’t happen overnight.
It may begin with small steps, such as recognising when something makes you uncomfortable, giving yourself time before agreeing to requests or allowing yourself to express a different opinion.
You might still experience guilt, particularly in the beginning.
But feeling guilty doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.
Over time, learning to recognise and communicate your needs can help rebuild confidence, independence and trust in your own judgement.
And perhaps most importantly, it can remind you that your feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s.
You Are Allowed to Have Boundaries
Experiencing emotional or narcissistic abuse can leave you feeling as though your needs are less important than those of others.
But healthy relationships should allow space for individuality, mutual respect and personal boundaries.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to have needs, preferences and opinions that differ from someone else’s.
And you are allowed to protect your emotional wellbeing without feeling responsible for everyone else’s reactions.
At See Through NPD, we believe that understanding the impact of emotional abuse is an important part of helping people rebuild their confidence and sense of self.
Because setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away. It’s about making space for your own wellbeing.
